Parenting adult children is a tightrope walk.  Sometimes they want your advice, other times they do not, and usually that’s when you want to give it most!   They have their own money, but they need your money too, and they don’t want your advice on how to spend or save either.  They will often need you to do them a favor, but have plans if you need a favor from them.  Does this mean that we have done a poor job in raising our children—not really!  It just means that just like when they were young you have to define the boundaries for them. 

 I have friends whose adult children have moved back in with them-yeow!–not easy!  Whether they are working or trying to finish up school, their schedules vary different from that of their parents.  The parents expect that they will do chores around the house, show up for family dinners, and participate in family activities—that usually is not the case.  They have been on their own and just because they are living at home, they don’t feel that they should have the same rules as when they were in high school living at home.  Even if they are just coming home for the summer, there are differences of opinion on what the rules are.

The best way to handle this is to define the boundaries shortly after their return home.  If they are not going to be coming home for dinner, then they need to make that known early that morning before anything has been thawed out.   And they should always call as soon as they know if their plans change or they invite a friend over.  Chores need to be clearly defined and scheduled; parents need to be flexible with this since sometimes the job or school demand changes, but the child must follow through.  Late nights is probably the most difficult to adjust to–there needs to be give and take on both sides.

If things are so stressful that it’s taking a toll on the family or the relationship, perhaps it’s time to help your child out into the world.  Even if the parents don’t think that their child is ready, they need to give that child the opportunity to be responsible on their own.  While all parents think they know what is best for their child, they need to realize that their “child” is an adult and should be afforded the respect and opportunities of an adult. And if they make mistakes along the way that’s part of growing up, be there with love and support.   Placing your faith in their abilities is one of the best gifts you can give them.